Saoirse Finnigan @ DTW

This entry was rather violently scratched through around midnight on the day it was posted

Dear Hitwizards,

I was so very happy to answer your questions this morning. I hope you and your journal-minders are so diligent about hauling in the Purists who go clamoring on about magic-stealing and "mudbloods" and how muggleborn wizards' existence in society is murdering pureblood wizards. I do applaud your professionalism, though. The poor lad who had to question me barely blushed at all when I asked if they'd made any progress on bringing my husband's murderers in for questioning like this, and did a splendid job of suggesting that maybe I ought to contact the Auror office about that. Bureaucratic blame-shifting at its finest.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll go back to helping Muggleborn children transition to wizard life and hoping it's not a death sentence for them.

Sincerely,
Saoirse M. O'C. Finnigan

[Edited to Add, after the first two comments]

Dear Aurors,

Any progress on investigating the torture and murder of Keith Finnigan? Does anybody there even give a damn, or do you not waste your time when it's just Muggles dying? Question anybody lately? How about some of these utter bastards who go around spewing filth on the journal system? I hear tell that people's journal rantings are terribly important to the Ministry these days. Anyway, I know you're all ever so busy, what with Inferi staggering through the streets and all, but the Hitwizards tell me it's not their problem, so I thought I'd give you lot a ring and see if anyone answered.

Sincerely,
Saoirse M. O'C. Finnigan

I can see one clear and important difference between the Death Eaters and the Order of the Phoenix:

The Order of the Phoenix didn't kidnap my husband on the street, torture him for hours in a field, and dump his body in Diagon Alley.

Do you know, you sweet little ladies clutching your pearls with horror at the Order of the Phoenix, what Purists did to my husband?

He was barely recognizable when they found him, from the cuts and the bruises that Purist wands left on him. The DMLE named his cause of death as heart failure due to extended exposure to the Cruciatus. They don't even know how long he was tortured, but the the strain on his joints suggests it was quite a long while.

That was my husband, my son's father, you unbelievable self-absorbed wretches. And he's just one of the dozens, the more than dozens, that the people you support abused and murdered.

And don't you dare tell me you don't support them. Don't you dare. You know different, and so do I, so let's not play these idiotic games where you claim that you're Purist but not that kind of Purist. Yes, you are. You raise their children and you go to their dinner parties and you waltz with them and you support them in every way but lifting the wand yourself.

You destroyed my family. Countless families will never be the same because of Purists, and you expect any of us to care when you wave the flag of "But we've lost people too!"? How many, Purists? Maybe a half-dozen? Maybe 2 or 3 who weren't actively locked in combat with the law when they went down?

No, I don't care that someone you love is going to prison. I don't care that someone you love died. How could I, when you and yours stole my life from me? Frankly, I don't care if every last one of you rots in Azkaban or Hell itself. I hope every day that your friend or lover or father or brother spends in prison, you feel just the tiniest fraction of the pain I go through every day, walking through a half-empty house because my husband had the gall to be born without magic. I hope your Death Eater husbands are taken from you, so you find out what it's like to raise a child alone and know he will never know his father but in the stories you tell him. It's too much for me to hope that any of you will ever realise that your brought it on yourselves with your own hate, but I can at least hope that you will experience some of the terrible loss you've brought upon the rest of us.

I'm glad of the Order of the Phoenix. I hope those mad bastards keep you all terrified to leave your house, just as the rest of us are. You can learn to tighten up your wards, like I do. Be careful what you say and who you say it to, like I am. Never tell anyone where you're going for the evening. Seldom have anyone over, and when you do, ask a few questions to make sure they are who they say they are. Stay out of public places. Give up your tea shop visit on the way to work, and star flooing directly in instead, because you don't want to have your mind violated and your body used for someone else's purposes. It's what the rest of us do. Welcome to the society.

Moving back home feels good.

I wasn't sure if it would or not. I hadn't been back for more than a few minutes since the funeral, and it was always so difficult then. Now I find that it really does feel like coming home. Yes, the bed still feels too big and the house a bit too quiet, but I feel better for being here just the same. I feel more as if I'm dealing with my loss by being here, rather than simply avoiding the pain.

I'm trying to figure out what I ought to do with my husband's things. Do I leave them where they are? Pack them all away? Put them in storage, or just haul them up to the attic here? My grandmother told me at the funeral "don't try to change anything for a year" - I'm thinking of keeping to that, and just generally tidying up and otherwise leaving the house as-is.

Does anyone else who has lost someone have thoughts on the matter? I wouldn't mind hearing what worked or didn't work for other people.

[Warded to Kelly]
I'm thinking of moving back to my house. What would you think of coming with me?

The truth is, I feel like I'm crowding Mac and his family, but I really don't feel comfortable with it being just Seamus and me in the house. And while some days I'm doing fine, some days I'm just a hair's breadth from going to pieces.

If you're game for it, I'd love to have you in the house with me. If you're not, though, that's okay - I can find another solution. This one was just the first I thought of.
[end ward]

Spent a lovely St. Paddy's with some good friends in Galway. It made me miss Keith, but it was good to go out and talk about the good times with the lads in his band.

Even better is getting to follow it up with the Mothering Sunday breakfast Mac put together. There are not many things I love more than Belgian waffles.

[Warded Private]
I walked past the Ministry today, just to try it. Just so much as looking at the building gives me chills.

Someone was inside my mind. Controlling me. Making me do terrible

I don't even know how to talk about it. None of the words sound right. I can't bear being alone. I'm even scared to be with my own baby without someone else there, because what if it's happened again? I know that's completely illogical, and I still can't help it.

I miss Keith. I miss him so very much.
[end ward]

[Warded to Friends]
Hello - how are you?

Lydia, you'd better be wearing a helmet riding around on your man's bike.
[end ward]

[Warded to Family, blood and married]
I just want to thank you all for putting up with me in all this mess. I know I can't be easy to live with lately.
[end ward]

Going back to work after being away for a while is always so strange. It's like walking back into a universe you forgot existed.

I had some lovely letters waiting for me from some of my kids at Hogwarts and their families when I got in today. It was nice to get down to business and start writing back and setting up meetings and such. I even got a new case today - five years old, and already showing remarkable control. I just wish I could tell her magic is real without also having to tell her how dangerous it is to her now.

[Warded to Sadie O'Connor]
Is Seamus doing all right at the house? I'm sure he is, but I can't help but worry. If you could just give me a floo call to ease my mind, I'd be grateful.
[end ward]

[Warded to Lydia]
Are you all right? I just saw you had people being nasty in the journal. Congratulations on the little one crawling, and you know that if you need me to go light Narcissa Malfoy's hair on fire, I won't hesitate an instant to do it.
[end ward]

[Warded to Caleb, Kent, Lydia, Al, and O'Connors]

Everybody's got some kind of advice, and I haven't a clue what of it I ought to follow. Some people say pack up all his things and all the pictures so there aren't so many reminders, and then other people say don't change anything for at least a year. Some say keep staying with Mac, and some of them think I need my own space to grieve properly. Some people think I should tell Seamus all the stories about his father, and other ones think that it would just confuse him or upset him.

And frankly, I don't know what I ought to do. I feel crowded at Mac's (no offense intended, Mac), but I feel lonely at our house on the island. And even though that's not where Keith was where they came after Keith, I can't help but feel not entirely safe there with just me and Seamus, either.

I don't know. All of you have been too smart to go giving a woman who just lost her husband a bunch of advice. What do you think I ought to do in all this?

I suppose I see now why funeral traditions came to be. All these steps to follow, motions to go through, and all of them so well-known and practiced that they both give a person time to think and and something to do all at once. I find myself now doing all the things I saw my mother do when my grandfather passed on, like I was a golem with no more sense of anything than what the wizard who created me spelled me to do.

I covered the mirrors and stopped the clocks. Keith's mother laid his rosary in his hands, and my sister lit the candles by the coffin. His father closed all the curtains, and my brothers are helping my mother get all the food and drinks out into the parlor. The rest of our friends and family will be here soon to pay their respects and have a few drinks for him, and even as I'm taking this moment alone with my darling man, I'm glad of all the noise.

I put a bottle of Old Bushmill's White Label on the sill by the open window, in case he might care for a bit on his way out. The last bit isn't traditional, but it seemed fitting. That was always his favorite. And when an hour or two's passed, I'll close the window, and I'll get on with what a wake's truly all about: celebrating the life of those who've gone on.

I'm thinking about it already, though - all the years we've had, and all these moments that passed too soon. I always thought we'd have so many more years, so much time to spend together. Knowing that we won't hurts so much, and yet I wouldn't trade a single second of it. And even in these past days when I've felt my very lowest, my very most guilty, deep down I know he wouldn't either. He loved me, loved our son, and he never was the sort to make the safe decisions. That was always me: the one who played it safe, and listened to the little voice that said "you're going to break your fool neck doing that!" and did everything the right and proper way. Marrying Keith was the only real brave thing I ever did in my life, I think.

He was so brave, my Keith. And so talented! Oh, Merlin - I remember the first time I saw him. He was up on stage at this terrible little pub in Galway city centre, and he had that whole crowd wrapped around his little finger. He was playing that old Blind Faith song that I always used to beg Ted Tonks to play every time he had his guitar out in the Ravenclaw common room: "Can't Find My Way Home". I think I was a little bit in love with him from the very note I heard him sing.

( Wave for picture )

Look at those arms! Can you blame a girl fresh out of Hogwarts for going a bit mad?

And this is my favorite one, I think, from just before Seamus was born:

( wave for picture )

Oh, what a smile that man had.

I'm going to miss him, so very much. I already do. I can't imagine yet how I'll possibly get on without him. I know thousands of men and women have done it before me - have lost someone whom they loved so deeply and somehow got on with living again eventually. They find a way to explain to their sons why their fathers are gone, and find a way to look at pictures and books and clothes without crying. I'm sure someday I'll do the same.

But right now, I don't know how I ever will. I think for now, I've got to pass that quaffle on down the pitch. Tomorrow I'll lay him to rest and worry about how we'll go on. Tonight's just for raising a glass and remembering.

[Warded to friends and family]

We'll be holding the wake for Keith on Thursday at 7 p.m., at our home. Funeral Mass will be at St. Brigid's Catholic Church, Galway, at 10 a.m. on Friday. Apparation point is the Toil & Trouble pub, in Galway's wizarding quarter. It's an easy two blocks' walk. If you need to know what to wear to a Muggle funeral, don't hesitate to ask.

Wizarding guests will be received at our home following the Mass. I'll need to visit a moment with Keith's family, but my brothers and sister will be at the house for anyone who comes straight over.

I thank you all for your kind thoughts and prayers in this time. It means more to me than you may think.

[end ward]

[Warded to Mac]
I've got Seamus to sleep now. The Aurors say they'll be able to release That we'll be able to They say I can

Can you come sit up here with me for a bit?
[end ward]

[warded to close friends and family]

Last night, my husband was killed by the Death Eaters.

I don't even know what else to say. I'm at Cormac's house now, done talking to the Aurors, and someone from the Misinformation office is supposed to be here later to help me with what to tell Keith's friends and family in the muggle world. Sadie has Seamus, and he's just playing with his blinky-ball like nothing's wrong.

I'll let you know when arrangements for the funeral mass are made.

I'm sorry. Everything I'm saying sounds so utterly stupid, but he's just gone now, and I keep thinking that this is all my fault. People give all sorts of stupid reasons why wizards shouldn't marry Muggles, but nobody says I'm just at a loss right now. I keep thinking of him on that coroner's slab, and I don't want to remember, and I think of what he must have thought, how he must have felt, and I'll have myself together soon enough.

Saoirse's Culinary Adventures, Day Two:

I tested out a different Thai recipe this time, and it came out much better than my first run at it. Things I learned this time:

- Thai Chili Sauce is the greatest condiment known to mankind
- The tiny noodles are brilliant
- Mushrooms can actually be delicious
- I really cannot tell the difference between the taste of natural-grown bell peppers and transfigured-from-broccoli bell peppers.
- There's got to be a better way to serve those tiny noodles without having to hold a pitched battle over a pot.
- These noodles were bloo delicious!

Mr. Gumboil, are you still looking to transfer ownership of your wok? I think I'm having enough fun with the Asian food that I can justify it.

[Warded to Caleb, Kent, and Lydia]
Do any of you have time to come over for a drink or two tonight? Keith's got a gig, so it's just Seamus and me in the house, and of course he's gone to sleep, and I've got nothing to do now but pace about the house and think, and it's been a shite week at work so I've not got much good to think on.
[end ward]

Saoirse's Culinary Adventures, Day One:

Tonight I attempted Pad Thai. It's one of my favorite takeaway dishes, so I thought it would make a nice addition to my repertoire. I learned several things from the attempt:

- I have no idea how one is intended to open a bottle of Fish Sauce, but I ended up stabbing my way in.
- I really should not have panicked and added more salt
- I need a wok, because even using the biggest pan I own, the entire cooking area is littered with bits of rice noodles
- More lime juice would have been better. But then again, without the extra salt it might have done better
- Tofu is weird.
- The Chinese grocery is the most fascinating place in the world.

( Beauty is truth, truth beauty,-- that is all Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know. )